NOTEriety T2O22 YeR

Brian O’Donnell aka Longhead constantly used to tell me I should write things down so I’d remember them. Occasionally others have told me the same. It’s always seemed like good advice whenever I’ve heard it, but for most of my life it’s a suggestion I’ve largely ignored. Until I started the JADE Project, that is.

There was just too much going on with the Task Force for me to not take notes and I soon learned the wild strategy of record-keeping in ink came in quite handy. When my scribbles turned out to be a key factor in the way I identified which Jefferson Area Drug Enforcement officer was John Baber and which was Jon McKay? Awesomesauce!

However, while I very much thought about things like simplicity and protecting the content itself, what I didn’t consider was how my, uh, unique stenography would look overall if anyone else laid eyes on it. Until I got my seized notebooks back from the Virginia State Police, that is.

Ostensibly incongruous words, initials in CAPS, letter/number combinations, loops lines and arrows -- all serve to remind me of something:



But to other viewers, especially ones who’ve already made up their minds I’m a lunatic, ya know pages with little-to-no intelligible meaning really don’t do anything to dispel their notion my clock’s missing its cuckoo. That’s all the more side-splitting when I’m aware that annotations jotted by JADE guys are assuredly not a good deal better:

As It So Happens

• Granville Fields is the one I have the most pictures of.
• Jon McKay is the one I like the best.
• Jon Seitz is the one I know the most about.
• Jimmy Bunch is the one I know the least about.
• Joe Hatter is the one I’ve least followed.
• Brian O’Donnell is the one I’ve most interacted with.
• Don Campbell is the one I’ve never spoken to.
• John Stoltz is the one I’ve never phoned.
• Paul Best is the one who seems most helpful.
• John Baber is the one who seems least intimidating.
• Joe Fleming is the one I wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley.
• I am the one who thinks people take all this too seriously.

50-50 I Come Up With The List, You Come Up With The Title

• If Paul Best were an informant he wouldn’t work for JADE.
• Jon McKay has a red RAM 2500.
• Jon Seitz carries a blue lunchbox.
• Granville Fields’ middle name begins with Q.
• John Stoltz often parks his Charger in front of eloise.
• Joe Hatter drives the JADE van home sometimes.
• Brian O’Donnell doesn’t do “street stuff.”
• Don Campbell is an active participant in Task Force drug raids.
• Jimmy Bunch uses a leg holster.
• John Baber wears New Balance brand tennis shoes.
• Joe Fleming buys coffee at Starbucks.
• I swapped the pseudonyms formerly in these bullet lists to real names because of Google.

Narcantics

(Kisses to JumpOut for directing me to that after he read this. Oh, and for the entry title which is also his.)

Put Camo Green Up Somewhere, Anywhere

The sun is cold. I’m staring into Boomslang’s eyes. Actually I’m staring into his sunglasses. He holds out a thin stack of papers. I can tell by a fleeting look they’re copies. He’s never given me copies -- always originals. Anchoring my gaze on the face of the man in front of me, I take the sheets from him and gradually tear them in half. I tear the halves into fourths and let them fall from my fingers. The fragments flutter to the gravel.

The information on them was what I came for, but, now, now it’s not important. What is important is the person who’s brought it to me and I want him to know that. Hence the shredding. Boomslang’s jaw is squared with tension. I consider touching him. On his solid forearms, which he’s crossed. On his cheek, which is faintly flexing. Except it won’t help either of us so I keep my hands to myself.

“Aren’t you going to worry I’ll ‘out’ you on I heart jade?” I ask, ribbing him to fog my disappointment.

“No,” he says seriously, “because I know you understand why.”

Yes, I understand why he’s told me he can’t do this anymore. He’s nervous. He thinks it’s gotten too risky for him to keep being one of my Task Force sources. Fine. He’ll change his mind. But not today. Not here. I’ll make do until he snaps out of it. He’s not the only person whose toes someone in JADE has stepped on.

“You already wrote about me anyway.”

“Yep. And you’ve just given me a reason to write about you again, too, Boom. Be happy no one’s gonna believe me when I mention you’re a cop.”

A hint of a smile teases around his lips but, when I turn to go, it melts away faster than cotton candy on a wet tongue. I settle in my car, reach to pull the door shut. He grabs the edge of the metal frame to stop it from closing and my brown irises swing up at him. For a second we are both motionless, silent. He drops down to a squatting position and gives me a grin so perfect it’d make an angel jealous. I wink at him, tell him he really is my favorite.

I leave him, there, in the backwoods parking lot, on the tiny crushed rocks, picking up the pieces of pressed pulp. I won’t miss him. I won’t miss him because I refuse to believe he’s gone.

From The JADE Office,

• Joe Hatter lives 2.6 miles.
• Paul Best lives 3.1 miles.
• Brian O’Donnell lives 8.4 miles.
• Granville Fields lives 9.7 miles.
• Jon McKay lives 9.8 miles.
• John Stoltz lives 16.4 miles.
• Jimmy Bunch lives 22.1 miles.
• Joe Fleming lives 28.8 miles.
• Jon Seitz lives 28.9 miles.
• John Baber lives 29.8 miles.
• Don Campbell lives 35.8 miles.
• I live 16.2 miles.

The Exclusively JADE Cast of Characters

(Original Post Here)

Herb - Lieutenant Don Campbell.

I’m going to start drawing a new comic strip. It’ll be all about a cartoon character named Herbal. Technically Herbal will be a gerbil, but he’ll be a cool glasses-sportin’ briefcase-carryin’ anti-Marijuana one. Ah, c’mon, it can’t be any worse than Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Mouse - Sergeant John Baber.

This fellow is the only one who started with one name but ended up with another. The original was also of an omnivore (one he’d no doubt prefer to be called) but, well, indecisiveness and a certain picture of him compelled me to change it to what it is. Truth be told, I don’t care for this selection much either. He does strike me as incredibly creature-like; I just can’t pinpoint which one. I should’ve just called him Animal.

Dasani - Sergeant Joe Hatter.

Maybe it’s ingrained from his SWAT training, but this dude goes nearly nowhere without being accompanied by a bottle or two of water. His brand of choice might not be Dasani, but I wasn’t about to refer to him as Deer Park.

Porn Star - Detective Jon McKay.

That guy’s either a cop or a wanna-be 80s porn star! When I first saw him I swear he looked exactly the way adult film actors used to look. So much so I couldn’t help but imagine his ass, the section of flesh glowing white in stark contrast to the rest of his suntanned body. Twisted thought, perhaps, but by no means an unpleasant one.

Truck - Detective Paul Best.

I dunno… you are what you’re next to? A glimpse in my driver’s side mirror produced the grill of a truck and the upper body of an attractive man clad in a blue and black vest branded POLICE. Had he been half an inch closer to the vehicle, there’s a good possibility he’d be known as Toyota.

Skoal - Detective Jon Seitz.

Between the worn round outline in his back right pocket and the bottle full of gooey brown liquid -- definitely not the advertised Diet Coke -- in his hand, I dubbed him the only brand of smokeless tobacco I knew. Oddly enough, in the future I would find the men carried containers of Kayak, Grizzly, and Timber Wolf, but never any Skoal.

Spot - Detective Granville Q. Fields.

The second I saw him, I pegged him as a cop. I kid you not, the thought that immediately popped in my mind was Good grief; do all these guys have that spot? Despite being a fair distance away from him, I could clearly see a circular area of baldness near the top of the back of his head. Several other JADE men have this identical marking, including LH.

Cruiser Crasher - Detective Tavis Coffin.

When I got word Jefferson Area Drug Enforcement would be hiring a new man, it took me all of five seconds to learn he’d be an addition from the Albemarle County Police Department -- their budgeted fourth. Hence the first label I pinned on him and ultimately mentioned here: That Transfer From The County. Five seconds more and I found out his name is Tavis Coffin. Turns out Mr. Coffin is known for his, ahem, less than smooth driving abilities. The prime pseudonym for an on-duty officer with that surname who ran his law enforcement vehicle into a ditch? Cruiser Crasher Coffin.

Longhead - Detective Brian N. O’Donnell.

I suppose because of his remarkably elongated face, this is, for real, what the druggies who know him call him so it’s what I went with. Honestly, it’s far nicer than any Faux name I would’ve given him. In print, I often abbreviate Longhead to LH.

SeeSee - ATF Special Agent John Stoltz.

SeeSee = CC = Carbon Copy. Inside and out this guy is nothing more than a clone of Longhead. And if you’ve listened to him, as I have, gushing on and on about LH, you’d probably find, as I did, it bordered on vomit-inducing. If I were his wife, I’d worry about what’s inspiring those wet dreams he’s been having.

Pringle - Detective Jimmy Bunch.

Simple explanation: offhand he looked like someone I know with that last name. ‘Course, naturally, after seeing more of him I made up my mind that he only looks like my acquaintance from afar. Up close he reminds me of the teddy bear you hug whenever you’re down and sad.

Rasmussen - VSP BCI Special Agent Joe S. Fleming.

A long time ago I saw a picture of professional cyclist Michael Rasmussen. In it he was kind of hunched over and you could see all his bones and ribs sticking out and it was frankly repulsive. So this JADE member was kind of bent over reaching into an automobile and I guess because of some items – body armor, gun, whatever -- under his shirt jutting out everywhere it gave the same sick skeletal impression. (To be clear, it was not a reflection of reality as, unlike the real Rasmussen, this one has a decent build.) The choice of nickname was emphatically better when I later saw a collection of bikes belonging to him and heard he’s an avid cycler too.

Curiosity Killed the Cat -- Good Thing I'm No Pussy

While the above depicted event was wicked in itself, what’s captivated me way more were the intricate maneuvers executed by Jefferson Area Drug Enforcement in the moments leading up to it.

It only took them approximately an hour to get done what they intended but I found so many complicated elements that arose within that time, it’d take me pages to detail them all. Just a few off-hand oddities to give you the gist:

At roughly four o’clock four different vehicles went in four different directions. I might’ve thought they were going to four different places if they hadn’t… okay, I’m not going to articulate that because if I keep elaborating on what they do, they might eventually maybe-possibly-perhaps ultimately learn something from me and find a way to obstruct my hobby and that, of course, I don’t want. The amount of credit I give them boggles the mind. But if I had to summarize their transportation strategies? They did a whole lotta somethin’, for a whole lotta nothin’.

At some point on Dasani’s route, another car got kind of stuck behind his Monte Carlo. On top of seeming oblivious to the other vehicle, it looked like Dasani was lost. He was driving excessively slow which he next-to-never does; he kept leaning forward, peering all around; and he sat at a stop sign an extraordinary amount of time, glancing back and forth, back and forth, before proceeding. Not until he got rolling again did he give any indication he might’ve noticed the sedan at his rear.

Dasani started veering towards the right shoulder and I thought it was so the other driver could go around him. That guy must’ve thought so too because he aimed to pass. Only he couldn’t, because Dasani without delay coasted back out and took to driving in the center of the road. Now it didn’t look like he was lost; now it looked like he was drunk. Further sluggish weaving widely side to side down the concrete did little to dispel intoxication as a possibility.

What was all that about? Was he lost? Was he killing time? If he had time to waste, why didn’t he stay at the Ix building longer instead? Did he think the car behind him was following him and he was giving it some sort of bizarre test to find out? Or is he just so self-important he didn’t care about the other person at all? Was he waiting for someone or something specific? These questions are the equivalent of a flea’s toe on the dog that symbolizes all the inquiries I have regarding Dasani’s activities.

The scrumptious Porn Star, in his own automobile, divided his time between parking reparking and rereparking in a tiny lot of a business, and patrolling a certain couple of streets. It might’ve made sense except that I never once saw his Honda anywhere close to the apartment building JADE targeted. I'm pretty sure he was part of the operation. If he was doing surveillance or something, what was he supposed to be surveying from half a mile away? But, considering the settings, what assignment could Porn Star have had other than being a look-out? Hell, I’ve been warned Drug Enforcement have been told to keep an eye out for me and yet right on their tails I drove into the immediate area. Under their noses I left my car and walked all up and down and around the block taking photographs.

I totally do not understand.

As if the case isn’t mysterious enough, the news coming in about it baffles me beyond belief.

I’m not sure if the Task Force men have gotten exceedingly complex or if I’ve simply gotten dumber but for the common observer not in the loop -- me, for instance -- the things these guys do don’t always make sense. I’m certain there are valid explanations for their conduct and I believe I could make sound guesses as to what they are. However, I don’t want to speculate; I want to know.

Alt 0149

• Jon Seitz has a brother who’s also in Law Enforcement.
• Joe Hatter flies a Marines flag.
• Some of Brian O’Donnell’s history as a policeman can be found here.
• Don Campbell’s badge number is CP6.
• Paul Best is literally the best detective in all of JADE Charlottesville.
• John Baber’s surname was once misprinted in a media article.
• That vest thingie Jon McKay wears looks like this.
• John Stoltz worked the Katherine Danielle Howard case.
• Joe Fleming has a Jamis.
• Jimmy Bunch passes by the homes of three other TFOs on the way to his own.
• Granville Fields carries hinged handcuffs.
• I have to reiterate Granville Fields is Hot. As. Hell. Especially in these pants.

Title: (See Last Comment In List)

• Don Campbell doesn’t wear a wristwatch.
• Joe Fleming’s handgun holster is not black.
• There’s a picture of Paul Best in the Charlottesville Police Department.
• John Stoltz’s house has colonial grid octagonal windows.
• Brian O’Donnell’s astrological sign is Aquarius.
• At least three female officers know Joe Hatter’s badge number by heart.
• Granville Fields is an Elk (not that kind, this kind).
• Jimmy Bunch shops at Sam’s Club in Charlottesville.
• Jon McKay is a member of the National Rifle Association.
• John Baber’s pants size is 34 x 32.
• Jon Seitz is the only member of JADE whose number appears in an actual telephone book.
• I believe no detail is too small.

Needa ‘nother nom de guerre...

‘cause while “That Transfer From The County” is fitting for a new JADE person, it’s tedious. I’m drawing a blank. Any suggestions?

The Cast of Characters

Q: How do I write freely about my experiences with JADE without violating my current self-imposed "No Outing" guideline?
A: I put up this post.

When I first got interested in JADE, the only thing I knew about it was the names of three men connected to it. I took a wild guess that they weren’t the entire Task Force and figured I would need to somehow keep track of the distinct personalities as I uncovered them.

My plan was to label them “Suspect,” followed by consecutive numbers as needed, but then I reconsidered because, really, they weren’t exactly suspects. I thought of them more like… rats -- the kind that would be studied in a laboratory -- but that’s what you call the people that talk to them. Guinea pigs? Along the same lines, a research animal, plus it included a pre-established familiar noun for police. Funny but quickly scratched for being diminutive.

Then I opted for “Subject” number whatever. This worked at the onset, however it didn’t take long to discover that keeping up with so many enumerations wasn’t easy. I put a little more thought into it and came up with sobriquets based on something simple that I predicted would be memorable to me.

I expected the use of pseudonyms would also prevent anyone from deciphering exactly how much I knew, should it ever come to that. While this totally made sense in the early stages, because of the sheer amount of information I’d wind up documenting, it became clear I wouldn’t be able to hide as much as I’d assumed I could behind the fictitious monikers. I mean, how likely would it be that I managed to obtain the home address and telephone number of someone without knowing his real name? Even after realizing this, and despite correctly identifying all of them, I’d continue to use the names I’d ascribed to them. Not everyone mentioned below is a member of the Jefferson Area Drug Enforcement Task Force, nevertheless all of the following names will probably come up again at some point in my writings:

Longhead.

I suppose because of his remarkably elongated face, this is, for real, what the druggies who know him call him so it’s what I went with. Honestly, it’s far nicer than any Faux name I would’ve given him. In print, I often abbreviate Longhead to LH.

Spot.

The second I saw him, I pegged him as a cop. I kid you not, the thought that immediately popped in my mind was Good grief; do all these guys have that spot? Despite being a fair distance away from him, I could clearly see a circular area of baldness near the top of the back of his head. Several other JADE men have this identical marking, including LH.

Skoal.

Between the worn round outline in his back right pocket and the bottle full of gooey brown liquid -- definitely not the advertised Diet Coke -- in his hand, I dubbed him the only brand of smokeless tobacco I knew. Oddly enough, in the future I would find the men carried containers of Kayak, Grizzly, and Timber Wolf, but never any Skoal.

Porn Star.

That guy’s either a cop or a wanna-be 80s porn star! When I first saw him I swear he looked exactly the way adult film actors used to look. So much so I couldn’t help but imagine his ass, the section of flesh glowing white in stark contrast to the rest of his suntanned body. Twisted thought, perhaps, but by no means an unpleasant one.

Pringle.

Simple explanation: offhand he looked like someone I know with that last name. ‘Course, naturally, after seeing more of him I made up my mind that he only looks like my acquaintance from afar. Up close he reminds me of the teddy bear you hug whenever you’re down and sad.

Dasani.

Maybe it’s ingrained from his SWAT training, but this dude goes nearly nowhere without being accompanied by a bottle or two of water. His brand of choice might not be Dasani, but I wasn’t about to refer to him as Deer Park.

Mouse.

This fellow is the only one who started with one name but ended up with another. The original was also of an omnivore (one he’d no doubt prefer to be called) but, well, indecisiveness and a certain picture of him compelled me to change it to what it is. Truth be told, I don’t care for this selection much either. He does strike me as incredibly creature-like; I just can’t pinpoint which one. I should’ve just called him Animal.

Truck.

I dunno… you are what you’re next to? A glimpse in my driver’s side mirror produced the grill of a truck and the upper body of an attractive man clad in a blue and black vest branded POLICE. Had he been half an inch closer to the vehicle, there’s a good possibility he’d be known as Toyota.

Rasmussen.

A long time ago I saw a picture of professional cyclist Michael Rasmussen. In it he was kind of hunched over and you could see all his bones and ribs sticking out and it was frankly repulsive. So this JADE member was kind of bent over reaching into an automobile and I guess because of some items – body armor, gun, whatever -- under his shirt jutting out everywhere it gave the same sick skeletal impression. (To be clear, it was not a reflection of reality as, unlike the real Rasmussen, this one has a decent build.) The choice of nickname was emphatically better when I later saw a collection of bikes belonging to him and heard he’s an avid cycler too.

Herb.

I’m going to start drawing a new comic strip. It’ll be all about a cartoon character named Herbal. Technically Herbal will be a gerbil, but he’ll be a cool glasses-sportin’ briefcase-carryin’ anti-Marijuana one. Ah, c’mon, it can’t be any worse than Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

SeeSee.

SeeSee = CC = Carbon Copy. Inside and out this guy is nothing more than a clone of Longhead. And if you’ve listened to him, as I have, gushing on and on about LH, you’d probably find, as I did, it bordered on vomit-inducing. If I were his wife, I’d worry about what’s inspiring those wet dreams he’s been having.

UPS.

Uniformly head-to-toe brown should only be worn by employees of the United Parcel Service.

L.L. Me.

Believe it or not, this guy told me his real name before I’d come up with a nickname for him. I fully credit UPS for the nom de guerre on account of it being him who said “he looks like me” knowing the two of them do not look alike.

TieWho.

This kid spent a lot of time with Spot so I thought I know he ties in somehow but who is he?

Spare Spot.

A case of mistaken identity.

Miller.

A Confidential Informant of the Task Force’s. Once, subsequent to getting together with JADE Detective Jon Seitz at the Ix building, this man stopped at a local convenience store and bought two twelve-packs of beer. It wasn’t the purchase of the alcohol, however, that earned him the nickname; it was his flinging the empty cans out his car window as he cruised down I-64.

Machismo.

Machismo, by definition, is “prominently exhibited masculinity.” It’d be tough to find a lawman more macho than the one I gave this name to. Ooo La La!

The Game.

A Charlottesville Policeman. I told him I wouldn’t use his real name. He told me he wanted to pick his own appellation for the site. Oh yeah? What? He flipped open his cell phone and I stared at the two prominent words on the screen. “THE GAME”?! Not-uh! Really? You got it brother.

(The Exclusively JADE Cast of Characters Here)

To be continued...