Someone Went To Court And All I Got Was This Lousy Post

Per my request, my court date was swapped from tomorrow, Tuesday, May 18, to today, Monday, May 17.

Being that I’m female, I have to start by telling you what I wore: fitted jeans, army-patterned Converse, a thin long-sleeve burn-out pullover topped by a snug short-sleeve white tee with a risqué Vargas picture on it. Normally I would never never never set foot inside a courtroom -- even as a spectator -- so dressed-down, but since I knew I wasn’t going to beat the charges regardless of my attire, I skipped the “pretty.” I didn’t even stress about covering my tattoos. Ha!

I was expecting a third of the JADE Task Force to testify against me. 1/3! Can you imagine? Instead, nearly half and a wife showed up! Half the effin’ Task Force! Who apparently had nothing better to do today -- or tomorrow, for that matter, since they were all available for then, too. Guess it’s kind of tough for them to slip back in the swing of things after having the complete weekend off. Again.

The wife, I’m told, was only there to see what I look like, which is kinda amusing ‘cause she barely looked at me. What woman waits years to get a glimpse of the chick her husband screwed, anyway? Whatever. She’s short and cute, though, and I can totally get why Detective O’Donnell digs her.

Oh, and all the officers were, of course, decked out in suits -- each man uniquely handsome, despite one of them still being yucky-fuzzy-faced. Wife had something lime green, and blocky-chunky-thingies for shoes; I don’t remember anything else she had on.

Jefferson Area Drug Enforcement members present: Albemarle County Detectives Tavis Coffin, John Baber, and Jon McKay; Charlottesville Detectives Brian O’Donnell and Paul Best. Prosecution by Denise Lunsford.

Tavis Coffin testified first. He stated that he recognized my vehicle on Monticello in part because “detectives are trained to be observant.” That made me laugh, given that pretty much this whole I HeArTE JADE site is a testament to how unperceptive these guys are. It was even funnier when slick ol’ Cruiser Crasher subsequently admitted that none of the other three JADE men in the van with him at the time had observed me there. Glad I thought to scribble that question down for my attorney. Mr. Coffin either contradicted himself or lied, a lot -- it’s hard to distinguish the difference between incompetence and corruption. He’s young, so inexperience might explain the incongruities.

John Baber was up second. He didn’t say much, probably didn’t bear witness for but three seconds. He appeared as bored as I felt. I zoned out on his tie which was bright yellow with colorful aquatic creatures or something on it.

Next came Brian N. O’Donnell. The thing with Mr. O’Donnell is that he wasn’t there to testify to the alleged following. Rather, he spoke about my linking an image of his car to the St. Anne’s-Belfield School website, the educational institution where -- as he publicly declared, under oath -- his children are enrolled. Shoot, even I didn’t reveal that sort of information in the post in question. He also talked about my linking another photograph of his auto to an entry I made about him on here last year. Miz Lunsford claimed these links constitute “indirect contact” -- an additional “violation” she tacked on at the last minute, otherwise known as Friday, May 14.

For some reason, Miz Lunsford and Mr. O’Donnell made a point to discuss that he no longer uses his white Taurus for work anymore. It’s unclear to me at present why they dwelt on that element.

Jon McKay and Paul Best did not take the stand. It’s my understanding that Mr. Best couldn’t identify me on the date of the so-called following, and I have no clue what Mr. McKay’s failure was. Naturally, if they might’ve offered a mere inkling of doubt to her case, Miz Lunsford wouldn’t use them. I do give her bonus points for putting them on display with the others for the judge. Five sturdy Law Enforcement males in business attire… in front of the bench… standing shoulder-to-shoulder… spanning the courtroom… each with his right hand up… being sworn in… ‘Twas a highly impressive sight to behold.

I did not speak on my own behalf. I was ready, willing, and able. Boy, was I all three of those things! I was long ago convinced I would be found guilty; I wanted to get some enjoyment out of the process. My sole -- perhaps soul -- fear was that if I took the stand, I would be put in a position of having to name my sources. My lawyer couldn’t promise that wouldn’t happen and he and I were positive that’d be exactly the information Miz Lunsford would aim for. I didn’t want to be found in contempt; what if the judge incarcerated me until I responded to the prosecutor’s inquiries? I would die in jail because I don’t betray people who trust me. Heck, I don’t betray people who don’t trust me! On the flip side, it’s rough for me to back down when I’ve been challenged. Ultimately my sense of loyalty rose above my ego. And I don’t deny I struggled with it. You-know-whos better drop to their knees and thank me profusely.

I was found guilty by His Honor. I nodded and shrugged, semi-smiley. I’m not troubled by it in the least. There was no way I was going to take on multiple officers in their holy kingdom and be victorious. Those guys could’ve come in and avowed I was an enemy alien from the star Alythika and the entire courtroom would’ve been like “guilty!”

Miz Lunsford announced that she did not want me to serve the full six month, previously suspended, sentence, confessing she wanted to have something left to hold over me for the future.

Let’s play make-believe for a moment:

Let’s pretend I have a glass sphere. Let’s pretend it’s got both incredible financial and sentimental value to me. Let’s pretend I live for this glass sphere; I’d die for it. Let’s pretend it’s that important. Got it? Okay, now let’s pretend someone comes along and takes possession of that glass sphere. Said someone communicates to me if I don’t X or Y or I do this-n-that, said someone will shatter my sphere of significance into two million pieces. Can you guess what I will do? I will tell you what I will do. I will knock that glass sphere out of someone’s hands and smash it myself into four million pieces just so it can’t be used against me a second time.

With that in mind, can you infer how I feel about Miz Lunsford’s incentive plan? Yup.

Moving on.

I am mildly disturbed with the broad “indirect contact” nonsense. That I ostensibly can’t link to external sites or to my own old entries without risking an accusation and conviction of “indirect contact” is annoying. To say nothing of Free Speech trampling. Yet it does persuade me to get creative. So it’s all good.

Additionally, I’m all the more confused over how I am supposed to not conduct surveillance on the Task Force yet apparently I’m expected to -- what -- psychically? -- know where its members are in order to avoid “contact” with them.

I did re-propose, via counsel, the amicable method to put an end to all this. The arrogant Mr. O’Donnell remains resistant. He avers his unwillingness is due to his belief that I won’t keep my word to cease I HeArTE JADE activity. Bulloney! Always with the excuses, him. He fulfills his obligation and I don’t stop, well, what’s the difference? I’m not stopping now. He fulfills his obligation and I do stop, well, that’ll be that. What does he have to lose? I reckon just he and I know the answer.

The one -- the only -- thing that truly bothers me about this morning’s act is that it was not entertaining. The JADE fellas, as beautiful as they are, were humdrum. The testimony was mostly dry. The information was exceptionally worthless. The humor -- a most vital aspect -- was vacationing whereabouts unknown.

In conclusion, I got a ten day sentence. If you heard a thunderous bang slightly before noon today, that would’ve been JADE. Intentionally slamming the courtroom door as they left. Sheesh. Ya’d think they’d be happy. But, evidently, they’re even sore winners.