I Happy-Danced All The Way Out Of The Courthouse

Happy Halloween!

Google “Search Story”

5368 5139 5319 420ACM

I HeArTE JADE, quite purveyed,
How does your website grow?
With Taskforce tells and Dealer sells,
And State Troopers all in a row.

Car 54, Wear Are You?

If you’re going to treat a courtroom full of people to a view of your backside for any length of time, do make sure your trousers aren’t eating your coattails.

Kid Kudro

Warm Fuzzies Go Fabulous With Warm Weather

To put my own personal touch on April Fools’ Day, I set I HeArTE JADE to private -- which, in Bloggyland, means without a cyber-invitation, readers can’t access the site.

Guess not everyone put one and one together and got me because Oh Em Gee. I received emails about it. And phone calls. I know, right? Like, people actually are interested in the quirky things I do and write about. Enough to send me emails. And call.

So what if the reason most of y’all are hooked is probably because you think I’m a psycho stalker with a penchant for policemen and you’re wishing waiting for me to end up dead, in a dumpster, rolled up in butcher block paper, as punishment? The point is: you’re hooked.

I. Love you. But not in that psycho stalker way. Unless you’re a policeman. Even then, nah, not really.

Practical Advice

After transporting a drunken Ukrainian call girl in your trunk, don’t forget to hose off the bodily fluids left behind.

Google Makes Me Giggle

Search terms of two recent visitors:

1. I HEarTe 8 Jade BLOG

Clearly the result of miscommunication, yes? I can hear it now...

"Dude, you gotta check out this blog!"

"What blog?"

"About JADE."

"Jade who?"

"No no no. It's about -- It's got -- Aw just go look, you'll see."

"What's the name of it?"

"It's like, um, I heart jade. Only it's got an e after heart. And some of the letters are bigger. So it spells hate too. Yeah, ya know sorta like when people use h and 8 instead of the word hate? Like that."

2. why have albemarle county police been out so much lately

Gooooood question.

There Will Be No Back To The Drawing Board For Me

Way back when, before I became the old and senile misfit I am today, I used to draw. A lot. On everything. Everywhere. When my scribbles began appearing as permanent exhibitions on the bodies of my teenaged peers -- including a fabulous design on the leg of her son -- a friend’s mother even offered to pay any or all expenses for me to attend a kickin’ art institution. She was that convinced I was talented. As was the school. Me? Not so much.

It’s been years since I picked up a pencil with the intention of sketching anything specific but, out of curiosity, I thought I’d try my hand at it again. Is it possible to forget how to do it?

My first stab was VSP Special Agent Jason Trent. (Edited to remove image.) Might’ve passed for a sorry police composite, I guess. Mr. Trent is actually handsome for a young guy, and I thoroughly completely failed to capture that in my rendering. It didn’t help that the picture I took of it was all blurry, either.

Second shot, JADE Detective Granville Fields:


Better, I think. But mainly just a reminder of why I turned down the college proposal.

CAR Keeps JADE And Area Arrestees On Course

45-year-old Jeanette Joan Houchens is just one of several participants in the JADE Task Force’s “Catch and Release” program. The Waynesboro resident, who was arrested last month in a buy/bust operation conducted by Jefferson Area Drug Enforcement, was not prosecuted in Albemarle County General District Court this morning.

An unnamed spokesman for JADE says the CAR program was initially offered only to confidential informants but, after its growing success in letting drug peddlers back out on the streets, it expanded to include most females and other minorities. “It makes sense. Many of these people will be rearrested. If we can’t win the War on Drugs, we can at least make it look like we are” he said.

Authorities hope to eventually have all but upper-level dealers benefit from CAR. According to court records JADE is well on its way to making that happen. When asked how the project had helped her, Houchens snorted and replied “Want to buy an 8-ball?”

Paul Best For Sheriff

Check this out.

If you enter paul best for sheriff in a Google search, his site www.paulbestforsheriff.com doesn’t even make the list. At all. In the about 1,100,000 results. Nowhere in there. No sir.

See whose site is ranking though with paul best for sheriff, and right near the tippy-top? Yup. Mine. This one. I HeArTE JADE.

Heh.

To be fair, if you quoterize -- “paul best for sheriff” -- www.paulbestforsheriff.com does show up.

Right smack underneath iheartejade.blogspot.com

Aw yeah.

(Google placement subject to frequent change.)

Bananas For JADE

See That, Over There? --->

For who knows how long the User Stats Profile Views on my VIEW MY COMPLETE PROFILE page hasn't changed. Surely, between me and the piteous Task Force bastard who got the grim duty of monitoring I HeArTE JADE, the sum ought to be switching once in a while. Come to find out several bloggetees are having the same problem, and Google is doing something -- or maybe it’s better to say no longer doing something -- with the counter.

Oh well. If it’s going to be permanently frozen,1000 is a perfectly respectable number to chill at.

Too Funny!

Today I heard that someone got a virus on his computer and he's blaming iHeArTEjade for it.



I'm not sure if the accusation was strategically designed to prevent pro-JADE Law Enforcement from ever again perusing this site or if the claim was merely made by an overdramatic computer-illiterate twit.



Regardless, since I'm apparently the only one reading iHeArTEjade anymore, now I can go back to publishing whatever I want.

A Reminder

Hey, uhm... guys? Those who watch your back will stab you in it.

That



you're on is a



XOXOXO

So y'all found me, eh?